Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Oh God Again!!!

Brahma, sitting on his lotus was perplexed. He was at his wits end. He did not know what to do. He had been waiting for Vishnu to come out of his meditation for more than 3 minutes on the SHT, (Standard Heavenly Time) about 10 months on the MMT scale (Menial Mortal Time). He had been viewing the happenings of these 10 months of MMT with grave concern.

He had told Vishnu to keep his focus for another 8 minutes and not to get diverted. By that time (2.2 years on MMT) Sachin Tendulkar would have scored 110 international centuries, 40000 international runs and 99.997% of India would have been looking at him as god of cricket and thereby worshipping Vishnu. (Aha!! I can see that poor unhappy souls who have not read my earlier post on how all this transpired are squirming in guilt. Never mind, it is never too late to learn from your mistakes. Read the heavenly happenings on Oh God!!!). Now Vishnu has let his concentration wander and his poor 10th Avatar was in desperate trouble. Worse, the vast hordes of Indians (VHI) were now switching off from cricket.

Brahma scratched his 4 heads simultaneously. He was tempted to step in and give Tendulkar a helping hand.  But he desisted. The Job Descriptions were very clear. He was a creator and had better stick to creating. It was Vishnu’s job to preserve. Finally Brahma decided to take matters into his own 8 hands. Taking a piece of Antarctica, he dropped it on Vishnu’s chest. (An act which caused Antarctica to shrink, which environmentalists mistook for the result of global warming)

“Ouch!!! WTF!!” said Vishnu sitting up with a start. The lotus flower coming out of Vishnu’s navel obviously moved from vertical to horizontal and Brahma plunged from the lotus into Ksheera Sagara, the milky sea. Spluttering, he came up. “Watch your language my friend. Remember the last internal audit?” He asked sitting next to Vishnu and shaking away the milk droplets.

Vishnu shuddered. He well remembered the internal audit held last time by the Sapta Rishis. He, Brahma and Shiva were pulled up for deviating from Indian culture and following Hollywood dialogues. They had to drop words such as ‘Dude’, ‘Wassup’, ‘Take a chill pill’ etc from their vocab. WTF was definitely out. The audit committee had said in no uncertain terms that if the operations team (Vishnu, Brahma and Shiva) had to use movie dialogues to get closer to their constituents, then it better be Bollywood movies.  He also remembered how Vyasa had become livid at the initiative he and Brahma had taken in creating an extra Avatar as the god of cricket. They had to promote him to ‘Joint Additional God’ to assuage his feelings.

“Listen, pal, we are in big trouble. I don’t know what you have been doing for the last 10 months of MMT. Your avatar, Sachin Tendulkar has lost steam completely. He is now getting thrashed and it looks like we are creating a second Ravan in the form of Ricky Ponting. What have you been doing?” Brahma asked accusingly. He was miffed with Vishnu.  Brahma had given Vishnu such a lovely idea to capitalize on the love of the ‘VHI’ for this ridiculous game and channelize it to love for Vishnu. Now the guy has completely screwed up on execution. Brahma wondered if he should gift him the book titled ‘Execution’ by Ram Charan and Larry Bossidy. “The secret of success is in the granularity of execution my dear chap. The god is in the detail!!” he said condescendingly. It is not often that he got a chance to pile on to Vishnu and he enjoyed it.

“Hold your horses, Oh God. (Vishnu had taken point 3.11 of the internal audit report very seriously and now referred to Brahma not as Brahms or Dude, but as ‘Oh God’) I had a pressing engagement with Barrack Obama, the protector of the free world. He has his hands full and I was focusing on creating jobs in the US. Now you can see their unemployment is down to 8.5%. I also made sure that the idiot Nude Gingrich is the front runner for republicans. Now, Obama will definitely win the election”.

“Newt Gingrich” corrected Brahma automatically. With 4 brains, his storage capacity was substantially higher than Vishnu’s. Of course, he understood the slip. After the antics of Bill Clinton, one had a way of associating sex with US presidents or wannabes.

“Whateva. Anyway, the fact is, now the world has been saved from disaster and I can devote time to getting Sachin up and running again.”

“Yeah, but you know more than anyone else what happens when you have an Avatar on the loose and you take your mind off it” said Brahma.

Vishnu grimaced. He very well remembered how he had switched off for a micro second and Parashuram had cut off his mom’s head. It was all he and Brahma could engineer to finally make it look like a great act. And then there was the time when he had closed his eyes for 1 minute and Ram was thrown out of his kingdom and lost Sita. They had to create a whole epic called Ramayan around that to make it look like a brave act. And then there was the time when he blinked and Krishna ended up as a charioteer. The whole Bhagavat Gita had to be invented to make that look good. Vishnu decided this may not be the best time to confess that after helping Obama, he had spent a few seconds with this promising young singer/actor called Dhanush and nudged him in the direction of “Why this kolaveri, kolaveri kolaveri di”. He wisely surmised that Brahma might get into a kolaveri if he did.

“So what is the deal now?” Vishnu asked Brahma. He knew that Brahma was way better than him at reading the URP (Universe wide resource planning) tool.

Brahma opened his laptop, fed in a few numbers and said. “Currently your ie. Sachin’s following has dropped to 49%. If you manage to get him to make a century in the Adelaide test or in the first one day match, you can still pull it back to 99.3%. But you had better start now.”

“OK. Done!! Don’t worry Brahma. Leave it to me” said Vishnu heaving a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, and I had better tell Saraswati that all this is to be kept confidential. Our last discussion on the god of cricket was narrated by her word for word to some Idiot called RamG Vallath who went and put it on a blog!! I tell you, you can’t even trust your own shadow in this Kali Kaalam” complained Brahma. 


Global Blogger said...

RamG - this is a wonderful post. I suddenly see why Antartica shrank :)

Unknown said...

I worship a different God, but this is still cool, dude!!

Anonymous said...

I worship a different God, but I must say that this post is cool, dude!

Ramgopal Vallath said...

hey thanks Global blogger and Unknown. Appreciate it

RUDRA said...

Quite interesting....Fact of different taste.